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The only way I could think of to go into this post was literally to just start with "it did not work". Then I realized that by saying those four words I was giving up inside on the possibility of it simply taking time. I decided the best way to really start this is to thank God for the man I have. I have heard that there are two types of people, optimist, and realist. I wonder a lot if it is possible to be both and where exactly that the fine line is. I finally found it today in Nick. I've always prided myself on being a realist, I take things how they are, people who they are, and chances for what they may be. I never realized how negative that trait could make you as a person. Nick, bless his heart, is an optimist in almost everything we do. It annoys me to no other sometimes but today, when I felt defeated, yet again, his optimism hit me hard. He realizes it is going to happen, he knows we will have a baby and that every step we need to take is a step closer. That's his realism. His optimism is in being so positive that we got this. How? How can something so terribly hard still leave someone so hopeful? I wish I had the answer and I wish I could be like him, but for now, I have to thank God that he is like that at all and that I was given the chance to have him.
Now that my mushy gushy for the day is out of the way, on to the technical stuff. I had my doctors appointment today, then one where we were going to be told if the Femara worked and when to have sex (still odd to say). During the ultrasound, one of the first things V said was "wow, you win at PCOS!". Of course, I never win anything in my life, but leave it to me to win the best at something crappy. Round of applause.
I'm gonna apologize again if I have any nurses or med students who read this and I say some things incorrectly, I am not a doctor and I honestly daze off for about 10% of my appointment (cue Nick, the real MVP for asking questions). When you ovulate you want a follicle that is 20mm, the only follicle I had was 5mm which is not large enough to do what we need it to do. I still have a lot of cyst on my left ovary and my right ovary looks like it's really trying to get better. I feel like we should have expected it not to work this first round but hey, a girl can dream. V decided my ovaries were far too involved with their PCOS love affair to work with just Femara. We are going into our next month of the Provera for a period, Femara to ovulate, and now we are going to add shots to my abdomen called Follistim. We are hoping Tricare will cover them, or at least a generic form. On top of those three, I am still taking prenatal vitamins, Vitex, and now a baby aspirin.
Typing all of this out I am seeing how it is clearly not the end of the world and does not mean we are SOL, but in the moment hearing that you went another month and failed, is heartbreaking. BUT thankfully I have Nick to let me be bummed for a second and then snap me out of it.
Keep praying for us Team D!
xoxo, ALD