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Being a military spouse, I have gotten terribly used to being alone. I have grown to actually enjoy the first few days of my husband going on field ops or deployments. I loved being able to dive fully into a routine that was just mine. My husband is not demanding, or needy by any means, but when he is gone and I do not have to cook dinner for two or worry about another person, and I can curl up into bed and watch my "trash show" in quiet. There is a tiny little door in the back of my mind with big red RELAX letters on it that cracks open when he leaves.
But then, I have watched enough shows, eaten enough junk food, and had more than enough conversations with myself, and I am ready for him to come home. I feel alone. I feel married to a man who cannot make promises that he will always be back. It is part of the lifestyle we decided on together. I may not have signed up for loneliness but I signed up for a lifetime of happiness with this man and sometimes, that means being alone.
I am used to it.
Then comes baby. This beautiful and tiny human that we created together (with the help of a few embryologists, shout out to Carolina Conceptions). The absolute perfect blend of Nicks determination and drive, and my strong will and sassiness. She is here, and she is ours, but I am alone. I am married to my child's daddy but I am a single mom.
Before anyone gets upset at me calling myself a single mom and "doing that" to my husband, he is the one who said it to me and opened my eyes to this sad fact.
I make sure my husband is a very big part of Dallas' life. I talk about him to her as if she can fully understand our love. I tell her about how we met, the first time he told me he loved me, how much he loves her and misses her. We listen to videos of him reading her a story, snuggle with a shirt sprayed with his cologne, and send him an obnoxious amount of photos. Nick is present in that sense, he is here. At 3am when she cries to be fed again, I roll over and he is not there, it is my precious girl and me. When she has a bad day and does not sleep or eat and cries, he is not there to take over and soothe her as a daddy should, it is just me.
Nick said something inspiring to me the other night, he told me I was doing this alone, that I was in the trenches and had to make it out with Dallas and carry the weight of our family on my own. I was a single mom and one day when this part passes I will be able to say I did it. He is right, there are some moments where I just feel like we are dragging on and I know one day when I look back at this snippet of our story I will feel empowered.
I am married to a man who has chosen to serve his country.
I had a beautiful opportunity to go on a journey of a lifetime with him.
I grew a human in my body with him by my side.
I gave birth without my husband, without my daughter's father.
I am married, and I am a single mom.
To the mommas who are not in a temporary phase, I applaud you. I bow down to the strong women you are. Motherhood is hard, it is exhausting, and doing it without the father of your child (whether it is for the better or not) is empowering. Know how strong you are, how admired you are, and how absolutely blessed your babies are to have you.
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xoxo, ALD