White Wall Day

There are few moments in life where I truly believe you are given complete serenity to think. White walls and thoughts and empty spaces where your mind fills with thousands of things. I have not decided yet if those are good moments or moments to avoid. I have had the opportunity to experience quite a few of those times lately; today being one of them.

There is something about a doctors office that just gets me. I do not know if it is because I spend so much time in them, or because I cannot remember the last time I walked out of one with good news. I am usually super light and funny and accepting of our situation in these post. While I do realize you all read them and part of me wants to appear strong, I have to accept the fact that this is just as much of a release for me as it is a ride along for you all. Today was a white wall, by myself, overthinking kind of day at the doctors. I try my hardest every month to remain optimistic and this month was no different. I convince myself so strongly that this will be the month.

I should have known it would be a rough one when I found out I not only had the flu but have mono also.

To get to the point that I know you all come here for; there has not been any progress from last month. The double dose of the Femara and the start of the Gonal injections have only increased the single follicle from 5mm to 7.4mm. It sounds like something but Doc K said that is not progress. I still have way too many cyst and it does not appear that any of them are going to take charge and do what we need. I have another appointment next week with V to talk about today and to possibly take another look.

I think of myself as a Godly person. I pray. I have faith. I believe in God. I believe in good and bad. I believe in karma. I am finding it so hard lately to believe everything happens for a reason. I have had someone tell me before that I must not want a baby enough because if I did God would give it to me. I have had people tell me I am young enough for this to take time and it be okay. I have very rarely had people ask me if I am okay. Ask me how I am handling all of this. Ask me what I want to do. I hate that I find myself questioning why this is happening, why good people like Nick and I are going through this. I want to believe things happen in due time but trying to explain to you all what this feeling is if you have never been through it is not easy. Nick and I have been blessed to be where we are in life. He has his career that he loves, I have my job, my education, we have a home. The only thing missing in our life is a baby and to want something so bad that I, as a woman should be able to give us but cannot, is the worst feeling. The emotional burden of it gets harder and harder every month.

I am not in any way looking for a pity party. I do not need or want one. I want you all to realize that this journey is not all exciting new steps and opportunities for things to work out. It is uncomfortable ultrasounds, medications that make me sick mentally and physically, becoming almost numb to the bad news. It is not always being positive.

Today is one of those white wall days, and I know it will pass.

Keep praying Team D.

xoxo, ALD

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