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My husband said something curiously accurate to me yesterday. He thinks I am "pole vaulting through life". The terribly confusing metaphor did not come randomly. I woke up yesterday and automatically felt depressed. Every thing had finally caught up to me and I was not dealing with it well. The thought of having to (somehow) put out $15,000-$20,000 in the next three months, the crazy things I am about to do to my body, the weight gain, the starting a new diet, it all was just too much to handle. I could not see the beauty in any of it anymore. I felt ugly and I felt broken. It was my fault we were doing all of this, I was the reason it had to come to IVF. Of course, 1,223,592 different things played out in my head and because I over analyze everything, I could not shut it off. What if it does not work? What if it does work and I am a bad mom? What if Nick is gone the entire time? Or the medicines make me bed ridden? What if we cannot find the money? These thoughts flood my mind, and thy never seem to come with answers. I am tired, I am overwhelmed, I want to be a mom and I do not want it to be this hard. I like instant gratification and I know that life is not like that. Nick says I pole vault through big things in our life. I know where I need to start, I run, and I expect to land at the end. I go over all the steps in the middle and forget about the journey. He is right. He is right and I cannot turn it off.
Do not get me wrong, I am inexplicably excited for this. It just feels surreal that after everything we have done, we are finally here. We are finally doing the one thing that will (eventually) work for us. I know how much positivity can affect this and I am trying my hardest. Sometimes you just have to break down and let it out.
Do not pole vault through life, hopscotch through it instead.
Keep on praying Team D.
xoxo, ALD
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