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Giving You my Heart, and More
When Chuck and I decided to begin IVF we knew that we were going to be diving into an absolute adventure. We knew it would be something that with every single step, we would learn and discover. I never gave myself a chance to look past the IVF portion of our journey and into the actual pregnancy. I am pretty sure a small part of that was because I expected IVF to fail a couple of times before it worked. One of those cautiously optimistic moments, perhaps.
The one thing I did not ever expect, was for pregnancy to be so hard; not just emotionally but physically as well. If you ask me if I like or enjoy being pregnant, it is a solid no right now. Let me explain though, do I absolutely love the thought of having a piece of Nick and I growing inside me? Yes, more than I could ever properly express. Do I tear up every single time we see an ultrasound and I get validity that she is okay? If I could, I would have them weekly. Am I miserable, and uncomfortable, and in pain all day? ALL. DAY. LONG.
Doing IVF has come with this big taboo that I should "be blessed it worked", that "after all the time and money this should be the best thing to happen to me". Talking about the hard parts of pregnancy and the miserable moments, while being an IVF success gets you all kinds of remarks and opinions. I would never change the way Dallas was conceived, it was the hardest and most beautiful thing that I have ever put my body through and I will forever be willing to share that. But, because of what we went through for our moment, does not mean we are on some kind of pedestal and portray this perfect beautiful experience.
Pregnancy has been grueling on my body. Little Dallas is giving us a run for our money lately and if this is any indication to the type of child she will be, Nick and I are in for it.
I mentioned in a previous post that I finally, after complaining for a while, was going to be seen by a cardiologist. That appointment was made for November 12 but unexpectedly got moved up after being sent to the emergency room last week for dizziness and heart palpitations. My resting heart rate that day had gotten into the 130's while I was sitting at work lesson planning. The ER doctor sent me home after an EKG and I learned at the cardiologist the next day that being pregnant and having issues kind of makes you a red flag to many doctors. You become two patients instead of one, and somehow that is not worth the risk. My cardiologist was amazing, I was heard. He took all my concerns and my history of blacking out and shortness of breath and finally put a name to it. Autonomic Dysfunction is what we are going with as of now. It is something I have always had but baby girl is making it worse. I have been adorned with a new heart monitor to record my heart rate 24/7. We are checking for tachycardia, confirmation of autonomic dysfunction, and hopefully, a way to make this easier on my body for the next 6 months or so. He mentioned that for now the only thing he could do was put me on beta blockers, but did not feel too comfortable doing it while I was pregnant.
After finally getting used to this robot on my chest, Dallas decided to throw another curve ball at us earlier this week. I woke up Tuesday morning from excruciating cramps in my stomach. They were not the normal growth and stretching uterus pains I have felt, these were the entirety of my stomach and they felt like the muscles were tightening as hard as they could possibly go. It stopped after a bit and I was able to get ready for work, but the quietness did not last long at all and the cramping continued throughout the whole day, coming and going. I ended up leaving work and going home to try and rest. My OB said to drink water and lay on my back and keep them posted, which is what I did. I was finally able to fall asleep for a nap between pains but woke up sweating and cramping with 101.7 fever. The fever lasted the rest of the day and through the night even on Tylenol, along with the continuing cramping. I woke up Wednesday crying, with the cramps happening more frequently and the fever staying the same. I went to work and left not long after in tears heading to my OB who took me in right away thinking I was in labor at 16 weeks.
Every single time I had said "I hate being pregnant" played back in my mind like a bad dream as I laid on the table waiting to be told if I was actually about to lose my child. Every single complaint I ever let leave my lips became a knife in my heart. I wanted to take it all back, I wanted to love being pregnant and embrace ever bump in the road, every pain she has given me. I would have done anything at that moment to be told Dallas was okay.
I swear, that 5-second exam felt like a lifetime. I was not dilated, my cervix was perfect, she was in there kicking away, completely oblivious to the terror I was facing on the outside of her comfy little home. I am sure I do not even have to tell you all that I cried because obviously, I did.
Perfect, Dallas was still safe, still baking, but why was I still in so much pain? Why was my fever still almost 102? I was sent to the emergency room, for the umpteenth time in my short 4 months of being pregnant. Fluids, bloodwork, flu test, more Tylenol, and still so much pain. Because of my heart monitor, one of the blood panels that was done was a D-timer test. It is a blood test that can tell if a blood clot was dissolved. If the test comes back negative, you are cleared of a blood clot, but if it comes back positive there is a reason to believe a blood clot is present. My test came back positive, and the doctor let us know the only way to confirm the Pulmonary Embolism he suspected was with a Cat Scan. He consulted with another doctor and they both felt the blood test may be pointing to something else and a PE was least likely. Nick and I took the risk of not doing the CT because of Dallas. It was not something I was comfortable with putting her tiny body through, and I think Nick is worried about me but feels the same way. We were sent home and told to rest and stay hydrated but to strictly monitor my symptoms.
Today is the first day since Monday that I have been able to do anything outside of bed. I finally have some type of appetite and life in me. The cramping is a lot less now but still a couple times a day. We never really got an answer as to what is wrong or why I was having contraction pains, but I am happy to say the symptoms have not gotten worse.
I am still waiting for the beautiful moments in this pregnancy, to feel good and not weak and tired and in pain. Dealing with all of this the past couple weeks, however, has shown me that I would give this child my heart and more if it meant she was safe.
Keep Praying Team D, we have a long road ahead of us.
xoxo, ALD