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Pregnancy. An absolutely beautiful and miraculous privilege that God has given only women the honor of participating in. Life. Growing an actual life inside of you, feeling them move and learn. Knowing that with every passing day you are providing a real person all it needs to survive. Completely hating every second of it.
Yup, I went there. I opened the box for a conversation that I believe way too many people try to avoid with fear of judgment. "But you worked so hard". "You will change your mind when she is here". "It will all be worth it". And my favorite “how can you hate this?!” How can you not? I do not remember the last time I got up from my bed without making the sound of a dying animal. I have not seen my vagina in about 6 months, and for some reason, I never believed the whole feet growing thing until my beautiful and expensive sneakers betrayed me and I sadly put them away in exchange for old navy flip flops. Oh, and let us not even get started on the ever so subtle way a snort works itself into your everyday heavy breathing.
I never said I hated my child, never said I would rather not be pregnant, I am just not a fan of having my body taken over by an itty bitty person. It hurts. It comes with challenges that I never prepared myself for. It has me sweating in places I honestly would have never imagined sweating. It is okay to hate something that so many people find beautiful, and it does not make you a bad person, it does not mean you do not want your child, it is not some kind of sickness that someone should worry about you for. It is normal and it needs to be talked about.
No, I have not held my child in my arms yet. I have not had the God-given honor of looking into something that is half me and half the man of my absolute dreams. But it is coming soon and I am sure when it does, all the pain and all the hard moments fade. I am sure for some crazy reason, that I cannot fathom right now, I will want to go through it all again. For the mean time though, when someone asks me “do you love it?”, “how do you feel?”, I will be honest. I hate being pregnant and no, I am not glowing that is sweat, and probably a little bit of french fry grease.
PS. It is possible to hate the process but love what you create. Remember that.
xoxo,
ALD