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For those of you who stumble upon my blog and do not know me in any way other than trying to conceive, I was blessed to grow up with two siblings. I have an independent, beautiful, hardworking 19-year-old sister who amazes me every single day and a strong, kind-hearted, 27-year-old brother who just recently has made me an auntie. I struggled and went back and forth with whether or not to make this post. As I got more and more messages and calls and text from people asking me if I was okay, it occurred to me that along with the news of my brothers first born, came a bit of sadness and that it was okay. When my brother told Nick and me the news, I was in Butner NC visiting Nick at the range. We were sitting in a Starbucks and I got a picture text. I looked at Nick before I even opened it and said "they're pregnant. I can feel it". We looked together and opened my phone to a picture of my brother and sister-in-law holding two positive pregnancy test, smiling like they had won the lotto. In that very moment, I looked at Nick and I cried. I cried because that was not me holding those test. I cried because I wanted to be smiling like I had won the lotto. I cried because just a week before I was getting more bad news from V. I cried because for so long I have been letting myself pretend I was okay and this was my chance to let that go.
People were calling my mom, messaging me on Facebook, asking if I was okay. Can you imagine? My brother has one of the most life-changing and exciting moments of his life and people are thinking about me. It was really hard for me to look at that as people caring and not as people thinking I would be mad over this news. I struggled for days with it. Internally going between I am a bad person for being sad and I am excited to be an aunt. It is a weird feeling. An odd emotion to not know if what you feel is wrong or right. Worrying about people judging me for being upset. But I realize it is okay. It is normal. It is part of this terribly exhausting process I am on.
I am so excited to be an auntie, and I am okay. For everyone who is worried about me, I am okay. I will be okay.
To my future niece or nephew, thank you. Thank you for coming into my brother's life and giving him a chance to be the dad he has always wanted to be. Thank you for the moments you will give our family. For the practice, Nick and I will get when we come to visit. You are so loved little bean, and we cannot wait to meet you.
xoxo, Auntie Amanda